By: Fatima Niangado
Artist: Rayah Naji Photo Retrieved from Instagram: @rayahnaji
We’ve all found ourselves having a Jada moment. Mine was the entanglement I had with the Haram police. In retrospect, the signs were there, but I just chose to ignore them. First, let me back up and explain to you what a Haram police is.
A Haram police is someone who is so concerned with pointing out your sins that they forget about their sins and start acting like they are responsible for the prevention and detection of sinful acts. THAT is what I was dealing with. There were two main reasons why I failed to catch the first few red flags. One, I was feeling the kid, so it was easy to let certain things slide, and second, he was the most religious guy that I’d ever talked to, so a part of me believed, “It is supposed to be this way.”
A few weeks ago, he called me for one of our nightly facetime sessions. We usually spent this time talking about our day, cracking jokes, or having heated discussions about global issues. This night was different. I picked up the phone nonchalantly in an attempt to diminish my beaming smile. He begins with a “What’s up? How was your day?” and we start conversing.
Now, I am someone who naturally speaks with their hands, so I start moving my hands, and he goes, “What is that?”
Immediately, I laughed and put my fingers in the camera, saying, “What you mean? Oh this, it’s just my new nail color,” as I flashed my fresh red gel manicure in his face.
The Haram police goes off on a rant about MY relationship with God and attempts to tell me about myself. There it was, a bright light bulb right at the top of my beautiful, perfectly shaped, oval head. I was singing, I just had an epiphany I need to go to Tiffany’s in my head.
Ladies and gentlemen, when you are dating or “talking to” someone, be sure not to overlook the little details. I know we all want someone who loves us and is always looking out for us, but sis, save yourself heartaches and headaches by paying attention to the things he’s saying and how he’s behaving. When Haram police would get jealous or picky when it came to my fashion choice (“short” skirts or dresses), I thought it was admirable. I thought, “Aww, he cares about me. He doesn’t want other people looking at my fine ass. I get it.”
I was wrong.
Those were the red flags, and because I was infatuated by the idea of this man, I would sweep them under the rug. Most of the time, our instinct tells us what we need to hear, but we fail to have faith in it. Looking back, I realize that this relationship was a lesson and not a blessing. It has given me insight on how to maneuver through future relationships.
Lessons From Dating a Haram Police:
It’s okay for your partner to be a little jealous, but not to the extent where they are restricting you by telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing.
Your partner should respect you enough not to restrict you. You should never feel like you cannot be your authentic self. When you start noticing that you have to dim your light to satisfy your partner, I recommend removing yourself from the situation. Reflect and then reevaluate.
Make sure when setting boundaries with your partner that they’re not “porous boundaries.” With Haram police, I remember the thought of even setting simple boundaries with him, like telling him not to call me past a particular time, made me feel as if I was being complicated. Eventually, this led to him overstepping his boundaries and made me feel like I was putting up brick walls when emplacing my boundaries instead of it feeling like an act of mutual respect.
TRUST YOUR INTUITION. I remember having these random uneasy feelings when with Haram police, and I would think maybe it’s because I am overthinking and inflicting this feeling onto myself. That was my spirit telling me, “We don’t like him, even though that heart of yours feels different.” Now I am not saying FLEE whenever you get these feelings, but tap into them. Try to understand where the feeling is coming from.